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A lot of focus, time and tears followed but from that day my depression lifted I knew I could get better. I had to relive my pains but even when they got really bad again, I also felt that I was OK on the road to recovery ...
From my early childhood there had been pain. I never knew any different. I had nothing to compare to and I thought that's what it was like for everyone. Muscles got sore. Legs a bit on fire in the mornings. stabs and stiches when straining. Only now that I can use my body as it is designed to be used do I understand what it is like to feel good, relaxed, tension free, pain-free.
I needed to accept how bad it had been, to let the pain go. There were many "boo-hoo poor me" moments followed by a manic(!) laugh at the thought that I was getting better, releasing a bit of stress each time.
Through my recovery I've experienced a lot of pain all over my body ... comments 10months in - It's hard, well it's sore and a lot of crying, but I still feel so much better it's OK. feeling a bit sorry for myself, lack of recognition of my suffering for all these years, melodramatic or just honest? still hard to accept/admit. self consciousness/not wanting to be thought of as making it up. 2yrs ... almost there, almost zen and bendy.
Standing up from a roll down and feeling the tension layer of tension and my depression almost disppear. It was that sudden a feeling of better -about everything - The fibro fog that I had dismissed as a symptom lifted and wow, a whole new outlook. I started my healing diary. Something physical the tension, the stress.
Despite this drastic change in me, the intense emotional responses I experienced during my healing process were unexpected.
It turns out I had a lot of emotional pain stored on my body. As I released the physical tensions there were powerful mental releases too.
I learned to go with what was happening, to ride the emotional rollercoster of stress and tension.
As my body healed, so did my mental state. It was the pain that made life so miserable. A physical fault not a character fault.
Like the physical pain coming to the surface with the releasing of connective tissue. The mental pain needed to be re-experience to then be let go.
It took me a while to realise what what happening, these releases played out similar to my mini-breakdowns during the depression years (- the losing control, wanting it all to stop, so close to ending it all. Rocking in a corner muttering negative one-liners to myself. So angry. So sad. So lacking in hope for any improvement. That sort of thing ...)
My healing releases however played out and then there was a sense of calm.
Whatever the particular one-liner had been during the meltdown just evaporated. It was that powerful an effect. And one I realised I just had to see them through it became easier. A step on the journey to balance.
Screaming, shouting, sobbing. Another layer of pain being released.
Feeling my face twist and contort as I cried intense stress working its way out.
No longer ashamed of my behaviour, and accepting it as something that needed to happen for me to get out the other side a bit freer from my issues.
becoming hazy memories - a good thing I was taking notes during my healing.
My experiences demonstrated to me how closely our mental processes and our physical well-being are connected.I was
The difference in how I feel and how I react is a calmess instead of stress.
Almost zen now. Beeches.
Connect with your Base-Line and release the pain.
© Copyright Leigh Blyth BVM&S 2017-2019