The primary cause of all my symptoms?
The long-term mis-usage of my muscles.
How to I know this?
The pain has gone.
I had no internal reference for body alignment. No guide to re-set back to Base-Line healthy after trauma. The damage my body experienced stayed with me - a progression of pain and stored trauma.
Please note, my 'fibro' diagnosis is both self-diagnosed and retrospective. I was too young to voice my pain when it started.
From the sudden itches and biting sensations, jolts of electricity shooting through my limbs, the pins and needles, the intense spasms and stabbing pains.
The aching limbs that exhausted quickly, the cramps, the 'stitches' in my sides whenever I ran, the tension headaches, poor sleep and waking with a stiff neck.
These were all just a part of normal life to me. I had no pain-free time to compare to and I saw other people in pain, so it didn't even occur to me as a young child that there shouldn't be pain.
As individual symptoms they were easily dismissed - I must have sat/slept funny, I'd overdone it, I'd injured myself (I was both clumsy and adventurous). If I had an explanation for the pain once, I didn't mention it again (the hazards of a quick learner). The weird sensations and spasms came and went. Curiosities to me, for example observing the pain as my foot would spasm - How long could I bear it? Which toe would be pulled in what direction this time?.
The painful knees by the time I was 8, my back pain classified as chronic aged 14. There was constant pain of one sort or another.
I kept on going, adding more damage to my body. Increasingly tense and imbalanced due to (I believe) the adaptations in my connective tissue. Layer upon layer of restrictions, bracing me and holding me rigid, like a scaffold. Zig-zagging from left to right, inside to out, front to back.
Chains of tension - twisting and and kinking, compressing and tensing, the whole length of my body as it tried to remain 'upright'. I didn't apprecate how much movement I lacked until I started to regain it. My shoulders had been 'frozen' since I was a toddler, I'd never trusted my arms, I had no idea what it felt like to be able to spread my arms wide and free.
The physical tensions throughout my body caused a lot of pain and weird sensations.
At some point I started to struggle to believe the pain was real. That I was not faking it (for attention? I tried not to be sympathy seeking), or that I was imagining it somehow. Life couldn't really be this painful, could it? . I doubted myself, was I a hypochondriac?
The chronic pain left me in a deep depression that lasted nearly 2 decades. The tension and overwhelming feelings of failure and despair constantly with me. My mind constantly active, so many thoughts, so many worst-case scenarios. I found no joy in anything, had no hope for the future. A deep sadness always there, with the stress and anger bubbling away. I blamed myself for everything.
The way my depression lifted one day as I stood up from a roll-down was convinced me it had been due to a physical cause. It was that dramatic a change. It wasn't "my" fault, it wasn't "me" that was broken - it was my body. I was physically wrecked.
A lot of hard work, pain and tears followed over the next 2 years, but from that day I knew I could get better.
As I recovered I had to relive all the painful symptoms I'd had over the decades and the release the tensions As I unravelled the physical mess that I was in, I experienced pains everywhere - shifting around and around. Serving as brief reminders of all the symptoms I've had over the years, and then they were gone - cured.
It's not easy living with constant pain. The pains and weird sensations, unexplained and doubted. It's nice to have that recognized by someone else, but the self-acknowledgment of my pain, of how real it was, how tough I'd actually been to keep going for so long, was a big part of healing for me. At first reducing my self-loathing about my behaviour, and that I wasn't to blame. The part of emotional releasing
As I and associated pains I had been carrying around. Working through the trauma as I regained my natural range of movement.
I could feel how the pains were never quite in the same place as my body threads were detangled. Whether it was the bands of tension over my skull or the pains in my knee, I experienced my pain almost in reverse and at a much faster rate - a year of pain in a couple of weeks.
Through my recovery I've experienced a lot of pain all over my body, reliving all my symptoms. releasing stored pain - reliving it. re-awakening pain sensations. more soreness/stiffness the next day.
10months in - It's hard, well it's sore and a lot of crying, but I still feel so much better it's OK. feeling a bit sorry for myself, lack of recognition of my suffering for all these years, melodramatic or just honest? still hard to accept/admit. self consciousness/not wanting to be thought of as making it up.
Only YOU can heal yourself. trauma list....
The text-book symptoms of fibromyalgia (and all the other pain and weird sensations) I experienced were caused by a long-term misusage of my main muscles of movement and the resulting effects and adaptations of my body of not having this crucial framework providing the central support necessary for pain-free movement and a balanced body.
Movement should not be painful.
© Copyright Leigh Blyth BVM&S 2017-2020